Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Nothing.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone