Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
You Might Also Like
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
real
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.