I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
You Might Also Like
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh