Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You Might Also Like
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.