I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
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I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“I FIXED IT!”