*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.