People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning š chill out. You arenāt a teletubby.
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Itās not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I havenāt seen the previous 47?
We werenāt going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesnāt move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I know Iām getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
š¶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweatyš¶
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapperās car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries iām ready
Love it! šš
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
canāt keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play ācareless whisperā
I canāt find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I donāt find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isnāt
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”