Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?