I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Miscakes
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.