Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
In space, no one can hear…
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
let’s discuss
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
went fishing caught a bass
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.