Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?