ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
#SaturdayBears
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.