TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later