I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
our love story in four pictures
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?