Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Morning.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today