I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.