i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
a fate I wish upon no one
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.