I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Basketball
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider