Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
*pokes sex life with a stick
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me trying to look natural in photos