I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me trying to “trust the process”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Love is always patient and kind.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor