Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The cashier just checked me out.
water it, i dare you
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house