if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
They got Raph!
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone