spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome