[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?