beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My wife has the worst taste in men.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.