Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference