In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You Might Also Like
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Stop sending me this shit.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.