People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?