6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested