No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Ugh but profoundly
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?