I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.