The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot