I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”