movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35