People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Yup.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”