nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Story of my life…..
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.