ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet