I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad