Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I hate when that happens.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal