Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January