You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.