Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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This dude got his own movie?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.