How to draw a duck
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
let’s discuss
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.