Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”