I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
You Might Also Like
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.