Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Muppet Screams
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Otters see a butterfly.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?