Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
You Might Also Like
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.