How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.