5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.