Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Trying
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
lmao
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.